“I all but quit going to church.  It was so painful; I’d stand and weep though the singing, and sit and weep through the sermon.  I was clinging to the Lord, and doing a lot of praying, but participating in public worship was excruciating.  I tried attending a couples Sunday school class, but one visit was all I could muster.  No one seemed to notice.”

More stories...
Many military spouses recognize that our civilian friends, neighbors and family members don't understand the challenges of our military life. The list below submitted by military spouses is an example of this.

The purpose in sharing these comments is to better equip you, our supporters, in caring for us. And take heart, we have received kind comments as well. As one military spouse shared, "I have had really kind words spoken to me - 'Thank you and your husband for your service' - often."

What should you say?
  • Acknowledge their sacrifices and hardship.
  • Thank them for their service.
  • Ask, sincerely, how they are doing...what is going well and what isn't?
  • Ask how you can support them. Share specific ways that you can help and then agree on a plan. Be sure to follow through.
  • Pray with them.
  • Listen to them. Allow them to vent. Establish regular contact and don't forget about them.

And, what not to say...?


"We'll take care of your wife while you're gone"
"Before my husband deployed our pastor looked him in the eye and said "We'll take care of your wife while you're gone." A month has gone by and no one from church has asked me how I'm doing. I'm doing okay for now, but it would mean a lot if they would show they care."
Catherine

"How are you doing?"
"Be genuine in asking the question. If you really want to know how I'm doing, stop, look me in the eye, and ask with a sincere heart."
Benita

"Let us know if we can help..." or "Call me if you need anything" 
"The intentions are good...but if you really want to help, instead say: 'I am free on _____ day at _____ time. How can I help you at that time?'

If you make a commitment...Follow through! We are treasuring your commitment, and are highly disappointed when it doesn't happen."
Benita

"I was constantly hearing people say what can I do? Over and over again I gave ideas but no one ever reached out to my husband or his unit, let alone the family here. Many times I wanted to scream, we are here!!! we are here!!!"
Brenda

"When my husband deployed last year, one of the hardest things I dealt with was how our Sunday school class at church, the people we saw as our family since our real family lived out of state from us, pretty much disappeared off the radar once he left. It was very frustrating and lonely.

But one of the best things that happened to me was when one of my friends (in Wives of Faith) told me to "make a list" of things I needed help with, and wouldn't take no for an answer! She got her church small group to come out and help one Saturday and it was an enormous blessing. So I now always tell churches and individuals in general to ask a military wife for a specific list of things she could use help with - and avoid saying "let me know if you need anything.""
Sara Horn
Founder, www.wivesoffaith.org

"I think the thing that most frustrates me is when someone says to call them if you need anything, but then when you do need something they aren't there for you. :( I rarely ask."
Sherry

"People that haven't been through it just don't understand. I really feel like the best thing someone can do is "be there" for the spouse. And also offer to help out and make good on it."
Rebecca

"I understand how you feel...business trips, etc." 
"Yes, I understand how your feel. My husband goes away on business trips a lot. I only see him on the weekends."
Sarah

"I get frustrated when someone will call and describe the suuuuper long 3 days their signifiicant other was gone on business, and how they just went crazy waiting for that person to come home....really? 3 days? Nice."
Jess

"I almost had to laugh at all the times I heard during my husband's 12 month deployment, "I understand. My husband goes on business trips all the time." I wasn't offended ... just realized they don't get it.
Leanne

"When people say, 'it's been 5 days that I haven't seen my spouse. I'm SO lonely'. Get over it. After 6 months, then start complaining."
Tracy

"Okay, I understand how tough a deployment is. My husband was gone for six months recently while I was pregnant with #3. We are overseas, so the only family I have here is my church. My hubby has also been gone on TDY's, medical TDY's, tech school, etc. I am tired of hearing how the ones who only have their hubby gone for a few days have no right to feel the effects of separation. ANY time my hubby is gone - I'm pretty miserable! I can function, I get through it, but he's gone!!! Let's just be supportive of each other, because we really have no idea what another spouse is going through. Be it 365 hours or 365 days! Sometimes even when they are home it feels like their gone, 'cause they are only home to sleep! And many times they're sleeping during the day so life goes on without him. I ♥ the military, but not ALL the time. :)"
Christine

"I work at a school who solely serves military students. I overheard two fellow teachers talking who said, "There's no difference between their parents being deployed and my husband going on business trips." I was livid! Can we say there's a HUGE difference between a COMBAT ZONE and your husband hob-knobbing and eating in fine restaurants in the safety of our own nation?"
Melanie

"Don't act like you understand...you don't."

"Don't complain about husbands having to work late or that they are out of town."


"You are the one that married him...You knew what you were getting into!" 
"I've been told..."You are the one that married him!"...or, "you knew what you were getting into!"...seriously! People don't understand, I can't really expect them to but people could at least stop to think before they speak..."
Lorrie

"Have faith... be positive."
"I'm not saying that we shouldn't have faith or be positive but really thats not what one wants to hear everyime they mention their spouse or loved one is deployed. Sometimes you just want to vent! I can also relate to the "You knew what you were getting into" and the "Don't worry...he will be home soon."
Angela

"If I hadn't had the kids he wouldn't have joined, and that him joining and getting deployed was all my fault" 
"My husband has yet to be deployed but he joined up after our third child was born. What really hurt my feelings is when i was trying to talk about my fears of a deployment with 3 children and then being told that if I hadn't had the kids he wouldn't have joined, and that him joining and getting deployed was all my fault."
Tiffany

"I couldn't do it!" 
"I couldn't do it (that's why your hubby is not in the military)."
Patti

"Are you afraid he's going to mess around?" 
"Are you afraid he's going to mess around? (he's going to war, not to lounge around)."
Patti

"Before you know it, he will be home" 
"Before you know it, he will be home (easy for them to say)."
Patti

"How awful! That must be so hard!" 
"I live in a civilian community (husband deployed from the Pentagon) and 1. the war is completely irrelevant in my community - like it's not even happening; and 2. the pity and horror (how awful! That must be so hard! I could never do that!) when someone finds out I am a deployed spouse. I feel like I have to defend my position. Weird."
Lisa
"Look up positive things to say instead of "That must be really hard."


Canceling plans to get together and saying "We would just like to have a quiet night and do nothing" 
"Just yesterday as I am home in Ohio visiting family from GA while my hubby is deployed...I was looking forward to hanging out with my brother and his kids...my kids were excited too. Well, he calls me to tell me he would just like to have a quiet night and do nothing with his wife. Well, I'm glad he has that luxury and hurt that he didn't consider that I'm by myself and would just like to be with family right now...sigh."
Lorrie

"Military spouses don't ask for help because of pride"
"I've had someone tell me that military spouses don't ask for help because of pride. My experience is that I try my best to do things myself, waiting to ask for help until I really need it. And yes, no one wants to ask for help. However, when I get to that point and I finally seek help and make those calls to people who have offered, after a few "no's" I give up."
Benita

"I rarely ask for help. It seems to me if someone really wants to "help out" they should just do it. Yea, I'm pretty much on my own. But, it has made me a stronger person today. I also find comfort knowing God is always with me."
Rebecca

"At least his medical care is free" (Wounded Warrior)
"I hear all the time: At least his medical care is free or at least he doesn't have to deploy. Now honestly, people, THINK about that beofre you say it to someone caring for a person who has had their body shattered and carrying all the weight of the emotional trauma that is part of combat wounded soldiers!"
Colleen

"I could never leave my wife for that long"
"A relative said before my husband's deployment, "I could never leave my wife for that long." What, as if our marriage is one where its easy to be separated? It's tough for us to do, but there are greater causes to consider. The sacrifice our family makes is needed in this world climate."
Kristi

"He'll be home soon" 
"When a major holiday comes up, a spouse at home feels a little empty while families all around are celebrating. Telling her that he'll be home soon doesn't help because it really is a holiday emptiness, you know? The day after Christmas isn't as sad as Christmas Eve or Christmas day."
Sarah

"The deployment is passing quickly"
"I can't handle easily how everyone makes it their loss when a spouse deploys. I know that it is also their friend, etc. but this is my husband, my children's father, my other half whom we are inseparable when he is home and this is my hole in the world.

I know that sounds selfish but I just don't think they truly understand the void that is left when your other half leaves. I just tell them yes, please pray for my husband and yes, please don't drive me nuts with talking about how fast time is passing (when it's not for us), when you hit the right before halfway point it seriously threatens your sanity on some days."
Say "Thank You," but don't say...
Practical Insights in Caring for
Home Front Families
Copyright Benita Koeman 2008 - 2010
Yes, military spouses and their children appreciate care packages too! It shows that you are thinking of us and that you care. Some of these ideas work even for those who live far away:

Children:
Crafts, deployment book, fast food restaurant gift card, movie passes, or other military child themed gifts.

Coupon book:
Childcare, yard work, lawn care, computer repair, vehicle oil change, handyman help, housecleaning, meal

Food/Drink:
Chocolate, popcorn, ice cream, specialty snacks, wine, tea, coffee

Gift cards:
Restaurant, movie theater, spa (massage, pedicure, manicure)

Relaxation:
Relaxation cd, bubble bath, lotion, scented candles, flowers, book, military devotional

Reverse care package:
Coordinate a care package with the deployed spouse; visit Jocelyn Green's Faith Deployed website for more details on this novel idea!

May 7 is Military Spouse Appreciation Day:
Consider also these ideas: military spouse devotional, military life book, deployment book, or jewelry, purses, etc. Operation Military Family provides an opportunity to encourage military spouses on this special day with Operation Petal Power.
Care Packages for Military Spouses
Military spouses tend to be independent and determined to get through the military separation on their own. It is hard to receive offers of help, and harder to accept. Sometimes it is good that we keep busy taking care of our own needs, however, offers of assistance encourage us to know that we are not alone in this.

  • Offers to help need to be genuine. Insist that you really want to help, but you're not sure how. And keep asking... situations changes as the deployment drags on.
  • Churches...be intentional in your support. This is a time that we need to experience community.
  • Every situation is unique. The best thing to do is to keep an open line of communication with the family. Ask, with all sincerity, how you can help.

Below is a list of suggestions and insights shared by military spouses who have gone through deployment:

___________________________________________________________________

Ask
"Ask how you/your family can support our family - a meal a week, grass-cutting every other week; agree on something specific."

"Offer assistance or support but don't be obtrusive or hurt if they say 'No thanks.'"

"Be patient and available for when a family does finally accept your offer or ask for help."
Practical ways civilians can help home front families
Deployment - Being able to handle everything while spouse is deployed
"I also worry that I won't be good at doing everything that needs to be done while he is away. Having two kids in multiple sports and school, laundry, dishes, house cleaning, my garbage disposal broke, yard work (I don't know how to start the lawn mower or weed eater), the animals, the vehicles... Never realize just how much stuff there is to do at home until you have to do it all by yourself. I just hope I can do it all together so it looks just as good as it did when he left so he doesn't have to do anything when he returns."
Misty

Deployment - Car trouble
"That my car will break down on the road and I won't be able to contact any one to pick up my children, and that I won't be able to get our only car repaired."
Dawn

Deployment - Concern for deployed spouse
"The only real fear is that something will happen to my love. Other than that I can handle everything.. had a bursted pipe and my hole wooden floor needed to be replaced.. my car did not start.. two accidents .. one infertility treatment without my love..and I survived. Ten years as a Military Spouse makes you tougher."
Doris

"The only thing I'm afraid of is something happening to my husband mentally/physically/emotionally/spiritually."
Anonymous

"I fear more for his emotional well-being while he's deployed. Body armor is an amazing thing, but no amount of armor can protect them from what they see or endure."
Jess

"My husband being hurt or kept prisoner by the enemy or any kind of injury. I think if we love someone we don't want them to suffer."
Lydia

"My fear was him not making it home, so I never expected him to come home with a TBI. I think the recovery has been harder than the deployment itself. I believe if you're strong enough to handle the deployment, then you can handle anything that comes afterwards. Love doesn't heal all wounds but it does help with the recovery. I love him and no matter what I wasn't losing our life together, it's different now but the love is still there."
Theresa

"My biggest fear is that something will happen to my husband."
Misty

"Death is the ultimate worst fear of course. But I always want to help my kids understand why daddy is away so long and why he isn't home for their birthdays, holidays, first day of school, etc. They understand better and better each year, but my heart BURST when I heard my son ask me on the way home from the airport 'Mommy, what happens if daddy dies? Do we have to get a new one, because I don't want a new one". I can handle everyday stuff without a problem. It's usually when my husband is deployed when stuff breaks down. So, bring it on!
Tracy

"I worry about my husband and my friends husband and that something will happen to them, because i know the real danger they face out there. This is my husband fifth deployement in 10 years and losing him is my biggest fear."
Stephanie

Deployment - Concern for home front
"For myself and my children I fear to be harmed by robbers. I am very carful when entering or leaving my home. I have great neighbor that watches over my home when I am home or not. I feel like I have the extra weight on my back when he is gone for keeping our children safe and our home protected. My feeling of being safe goes out of the window when he leaves for a deployment."
Lydia

"I also worry about my children; they seem to being doing well but it has only been two weeks, and two weeks is nothing for him to be gone."
Misty

"One of my concerns is that something will happen to me or the kids while he's deployed."
Benita

"I worry that something will happen to me (like a car accident) when my kids are at school. What will they do?"
Tracy

"A week after my husband left for Iraq I was running around trying to be super mom & get everything around the house done before baseball games, the kids had been outside playing in the water, they came in and left a puddle of water by the back door, I walk through the laundry room, fast pace, slip on the water, tried to catch my fall on the door ... See Morebut put my hand through the window!!! Ended up in the ER, hit the artery but I was able to get the bleeding to stop at home & had to get 12 stitches & some shots. It was a nightmare!"
Misty

Deployment - Fear of the unknown
"My fear is the unknown......the what if's....and so on.
Kristin
Fears and Concerns of Military Spouses
___________________________________________________________
Children, childcare
"I think the families with a special needs family member must be remembered during these deployments and some assistance provided to them.  It would be great if there was a list of people who would be interested in providing just an hour or two of respite for these families."
Delores

"Our youth director took my son to a baseball game. It meant the world to my son."
Benita

"Offer to watch the kids while I run to the grocery store or do a workout or pick up a movie. It is amazing how tiring it is to just run to the store for milk and have to drag all of the kids out of the car and back in the car... something that is so easy to do when my husband is home and I can just run to the store. If a neighbor would offer to stay with the kids for 20-30 minutes, I would definitely take them up on that!"

"Male neighbors that would offer to just throw the ball around with the kids or do the dad type of activity would be great. My four boys crave male attention while my husband is deployed and although I can and do throw the ball with them, it just isn't the same."

"I had especially hoped that someone/some people would have played a big brother/big sister role to the kids regularly....I hated to be the sole disciplinarian...sometimes I was so tired and emotionally spent that I felt I was too hard on them. I wanted someone to pick them up, take them away and spoil them for a day."

"During my husband's deployment, a relative e-mailed my husband and asked if there was anything he could do with my son on behalf of my husband--a place they liked to go together, a particular restaurant, or an event.  It was really neat for him to want to do something personally significant to my family, and help my husband feel involved in giving that experience to my son."

"Sometimes relatives would pick up one or two of the kids, but rarely all three...and I really needed some alone time."

Other ideas submitted:
  • Offer to help with children via car pooling, babysitting, etc.
  • Offer to help plan a birthday party for a child and pay for it.
  • Babysit the kids for a few hours.
  • Offer to take the kids for the night.
  • Remind the kids that they are heroes too.
  • Do something for the kids.
  • Show your support with free babysitting
  • If you are going to offer for someone to babysit my kids so I can attend an event, be clear if I am expected to pay the babysitter or if this is being offered to me for free - not knowing is frustrating.
  • Create a babysitting ring to give parents a break.
  • Watch the kids so the parent can have some personal time.
  • Play with the kids - especially a man who can run around the yard with them.
  • Plan kids play dates.
  • Step in for the deployed parent at a special event.
  • Take the kids for an outing so the parent can have quiet/catch up time.
  • Offer to take the oldest child to do something special.
  • Establish support groups for students with deployed parents in all schools and at all levels.
  • Set up a support group for the teenage children of the deployed.


Church support
"When churches and other organizations recognize and pray for our Soldiers and fail to mention the spouses and families, they lose me right there. The sacrifices we make are sometimes equal if not greater than that of our spouses. When my husband returned from a deployment, he received a standing ovation. I had gone through the worst year of my life...my sacrifices were not noticed or acknowledged."

"I was so nervous that my family and I would become the church's project during my husband's deployment. I don't like a lot of public attention. Anonymous or personal gestures of caring would have been appreciated, but I didn't expect that they would hardly reach out at all; I felt lonely and abandoned."

"Don't publish our pictures, addresses or other information in church bulletins, on your website, or on a bulletin board unless we have given you permission."


Cleaning, errands help
"Help with the surge of cleaning/chores before redeployment."

"Help with spring or fall cleaning."

"Help with babysitting, car pool, grocery shopping duties."


Co-workers
"Offer to cover a fellow co-worker to go on unexpected family visits to their Soldier or when they come home."


Don't assume...
"If the spouse has family nearby, don't assume that their needs are being taken care of."

"Don't assume that because I have a smile on my face that I'm doing ok. I'm doing my best to survive, and the smile on my face is a means to convince my own spirit that I'm doing ok, while deep inside I may really be struggling."


Events
"Military appreciation days or events, where the families get discounts and or just support. Some times just saying that you appreciate the sacrifices of military families goes along way. I had lived in El Paso and I truely feel they were the most supportive just because everyone who found out my husband was in the military said kind and appreciative things to me. It made me feel a little prouder."
Tammy D.

"USO Fort Riley worked with a community radio station and did a shopping trip for spouses to a town about an hour away -- free bus, free breakfast and lunch, low-cost child care and free wine tasting at the local winery. Several businesses offered special discounts for the day (including the salon and a photographer, who took some nice photos of the ladies). Everyone had a wonderful time, even those who didn't have as much funds to spend."
April B.

"Set up a weekly coffee/soda break to give them an opportunity to get some perspective or an opening to ask for help."

Other ideas submitted:
  • Community events are awesome.
  • Have a special military get to know you picnic at church at least once every three months and publicize in military newspapers.
  • Plan a community event for folks to understand what a deployment is like/about.


Flowers
“One time a guy came to the door with flowers for me. My husband knew him from his growing up years. It was rather awkward, for him and for me. Yet, he told me God put it on his heart to bring me flowers, and I felt God's love for me in my situation because of it.”
Benita

"I would love fresh flowers."

"Surprise them with flowers."

"Take flowers over to brighten her day."


Follow Through
"Before my husband deployed our pastor looked him in the eye and said "We'll take care of your wife while you're gone." A month has gone by and no one from church has asked me how I'm doing. I'm doing okay for now, but it would mean a lot if they would show they care."
Catherine

"Make good on offers to help."


Gifts, gift cards
"One family in our church sent me a note. They didn't know how to help me in my situation, but felt compelled to send me a gift card for the local pizza place. I was touched by their efforts, and the pizza was greatly appreciated!"
Benita

"Note cards or a gift certificate to a stationary website would be nice. I send a letter or card to my husband every day. That's 365 notes while he is deployed! It is nice to get some new stationary or cards to send. For the kids, too!"

Other ideas submitted:
  • Send gift certificates/gift cards to let us know you are thinking of us and care.
  • Give a gift basket of goodies.
  • Send care packages (see suggestions below).
  • Give money for gas/lodging/airline tickets, etc. toward a visit to see their family/relatives - offer your air miles.
  • Give a paid calling card to the family, Soldier, etc.
  • Offer some pampering - makeover, hair and makeup.


Go-to List
"I think it would be neat for people to offer to be on a "Go To" list.  When something happens, like needing a last minute babysitter, having a plumbing problem, car trouble--I would love to have a list of names and phone numbers of people who have offered to help out in those areas if something suddenly comes up and I need advice or service."

"A source of support for emergencies. For example - child care in the middle of the night if I get sick and need to go to the hospital. I worry a lot about what I would do in that situation and what I would do with the kids in the nine to ten hours it would take my family to drive here to get the3 kids. It is my worst fear here for me while my husband is deployed."

"Give a go-to list of people to call for help."


Health, safety
"Keep families of absent military members safe. Call the police if there is suspicious activity around the house at night or any given time, kind of like the neighborhood watch. Look out for our well-being if you are our neighbor or know us somehow."

"Know your "deployed" neighbor - keep an eye out for their safety."

"Help us to stay healthy too and take care of ourselves."


Hugs!
"My husband is deployed and I don't receive as much affection as I used to.  A woman at church told me each time she saw me she was going to give me a hug since I don't have my husband around to do that.  I always treasured that sweet gesture."

"Just give a random hug to us."

"Give us a soft place to land, lend an ear, give a hug."


Illness
"Pampering if they get ill or have surgery (meals brought in, someone to drive them to and from the hospital)."


Include us - friendship, outings, etc.
"Stop by just to say "hi" instead of looking the other way when you see us out riding bikes or playing in the yard just because you don't know what to say or do. You don't have to always talk about the deployment or say how sad you are for us; just treat us like normal every day people."

"Just be a friend."

"Include us in your life (social events, etc.)"

"Offer to take walks around the neighborhood or to the park so we get out of the house."

"Offer to take them on a day-trip with your family - a picnic or swimming or just a change of scenery."

Other ideas submitted:
  • Invite us on an outing.
  • Help get the family out of the house and do something different.
  • Gym membership with a pal.
  • Friendship.
  • An evening out (with companionship).
  • Just hang out with the family.
  • Take us to the zoo - it's a great place to take your mind off things.
  • Include us in your social life, like back yard BBQs, movie nights, etc.
  • Invite us to social events.
  • Bring over a movie and have a movie night.
  • Include us in your family's outings.
  • Be there for the family...deployments are hard on everyone.
  • Plan a camping trip together.
  • Take your friend to a movie, and maybe even pay for the tickets.
  • Weekly outings with others.
  • Make us feel welcome.
  • Offer to take walks around the neighborhood or to the park so they get out of the house.
  • Don't stay away because you don't know what to say.


Listen - phone calls, etc.
"Just a quick phone call, e-mail, note, etc. that you are thinking of them...at random times, not just because it is a holiday, etc."

"Always remember, don't dance around the issue. We love to talk, talk, talk about the loved ones fighting for our right to TALK."

"Don't be afraid to let them cry with you if something scary or potentially harmful happens to their Soldier."

"Call them and ask "How are you doing?" Ask what is going well and what is not going so well; let them vent if they need to."

Other ideas submitted:
  • Support by regular phone calls to offer support or help.
  • Ask them how they are doing and acknowledge the burden they are undertaking.
  • Be there just to listen when they want to talk.
  • Make regular phone calls to check up on us - don't forget us, please.
  • Offer compassion and love from the heart.
  • Make a phone call to check up and give support/encouragement. It's nice to know that others have not forgotten about you.
  • Just be willing to listen if it's been a rough day.


Meals
"I work in my church and am a member of the military missions ministry. On a few occasions we discussed what could be done for all of the spouses that were waiting here at home on behalf of the church. We came up with some ideas such as delivering to them our hot cooked Wednesday night meal so they could count on that at least one day a week. We do this for our home bound members and figured it would be an extension of the churches ministry. The whole time I wanted to say, “That would be great! We could really use a hot meal once a week.” But I was too embarrassed to include myself with those that were struggling with a 15 month deployment, raising children and couldn’t make it to church on time or at all because someone was having a meltdown."
Sherri

"Sometimes if you don't know a way to help, instead of doing nothing, just have me and my kids over for a meal.  Not only will that act minister to us, but in the process of communication while eating, you may discover more ways tangible ways to show love and support."

Other ideas submitted:
  • Order pizza delivery if you know it's been a rough day.
  • Deliver a meal.
  • Invite us over for dinner.
  • Offer to come over and cook/grill a meal.
  • Bring a meal over after a long day alone with the kids.

See also the LINK - Caring with Meals.


Newspaper
"Create a weekly blog in the hometown newspaper from the spouse of the deployed."

Notes of encouragement
"Mention or write to us, acknowledging that we are all living free because of the sacrifice not only of the service member, but the families are well."

"I love to get mail, and I'm always encouraged to receive a note of encouragement and that we are being prayed for."
Benita

Other ideas submitted:
  • Leave an anonymous money order in a Thank You note in the mailbox.
  • Send cards of encouragement.
  • Leave a Thank You note on a car in the parking lot with a military sticker.
  • Send a card of encouragement.
  • Be sure to say "Thank you" to the spouse for his/her service.
  • Send pictures of the deployed Soldier with you in happy times.


Patriotism
"Acknowledge your support verbally and with items such as a yellow ribbon on your door or mailbox."

"Show your patriotism!"

"Fly the American flag proudly in your home/yard."

"Wear a yellow ribbon to show your support."

"Fly your American flag so we can see it."


Pets
"Help with pet care, grooming, walking."

"Walk the dogs."


Politics
"Keep the politics out of your support for the Soldier and his/her family."

"Refrain from any negative political comments."

"Stop stereotyping military families. We are not all bad."


Postage stamps, care packages, and other Soldier care
"Stamps! Or money to help with shipping boxes! It gets expensive to fill the boxes AND to ship them. I really wish we could ship to an APO for free, but until then..."

"Pay the postage and give items for a care package to their loved one."

"Offer to help put together a box to mail to their loved one - get the box from the post office, start adding things, then take it back to the post office to mail."

"Send Soldier letters."

"Thank a Soldier every single time you see one."

"Send letters and boxes to the Soldier (it helps me by knowing he's getting mail even if I can't get it done."

"Ask about the deployed spouse, "How are they?"

"Send care packages to any Soldier of any branch of service constantly. The one you know may not get it but their comrade will and if they are uplifted it will help them as well."

For other ideas to support deployed or geographically separated military personnel, visit this LINK.


Prayer
"It means a lot that people pray for us. That's one of the best ways you can support us."
Benita

"We keep a small 4x6 photo album at the dinner table with pictures of Soldier families and our own relatives. At every meal we pray for a relative and a deployed Soldier and his family."
Benita

"Pray for our Soldiers safe and speedy return and for the strength for the waiting families."

"Send a card letting us know you are keeping us in prayer."


Privacy
"Respect their privacy."


Random acts of kindness
"Random acts of kindness - anything, big or small. Just having someone do something nice for you out of the blue puts you in a good mood and really helps you get through the day."

"Show your support by random acts of kindness."


Special days - Holidays, birthdays, Mother's Day, etc.
"A lady from our church discovered it was my birthday and made a last-minute cake and brought it over for the kids and I to enjoy."
Benita

"Once while my husband was deployed I had a good friend whose kids were older; and her husband was deployed too.  She delivered a basket the evening before Mother's Day, because she knew my kids would be to young to make me breakfast.  The basket had a special coffee cup, a wrapped muffin, tea bag, and a flower.  She made my Mother's Day extra special.  A few years later, while most of the guys were deployed on our post, I had my (now older) kids do the same thing for several of the wives.  I hope the idea continues on."
Patricia

"My sister and her family invited us to spend a few days at their house over Christmas. I was so nervous that my three little kids would be well-behaved. I was so touched that they would include us in their Christmas activities."
Benita

Other ideas submitted:
  • Send a card to them on their birthday and wedding anniversary.
  • Send birthday cards for the Soldiers and their families (no money) - just a note.
  • Spend time with them during holidays (this is the hardest time of a deployment).
  • Make sure they don't spend a holiday alone.


Yard work, handyman help, auto, tax preparation
"I would have loved to have been 'cared for' by having someone do some mowing, raking, or shoveling (depending on climate).  It would take a load off me and give me more energy for the other duties of single parenthood.  This is an incredibly easy thing to help with too because it doesn't require coordinating our schedules or me getting my house ready and presentable.  I know of one military wife who never shoveled her own driveway during her husband's entire deployment.  Sometimes she didn't even know who had done it, but someone had it on their own heart to coordinate that service for her, and after each snowfall it was always done."

"A rent-a-husband program helps! My friends and I always loan our hubbies out when they are home to our friends whose are away. It really helps when moving furniture, fixing things, yard work, etc!"
Caryn M.

"Handyman services; contacts to honest, reliable people to hire when problems arise."

"A list of recommended businesses/people to call for auto repair, home repair, computer repair would be GREAT! I would love to get that from local people who have lived here a while and would know the best place, same for good restaurants, local places you may not know about, etc. That would be wonderful."

"Offer to help them or work with them on home projects. Sometimes it's the loneliness or aloneness that is a factor, not the work itself."

Other ideas submitted:
  • Shovel snow, mow the lawn, and help with other yard work - it's so hard to do with little kids.
  • Wash and detail my car.
  • Auto repair and oil change.
  • Help with house repairs.
  • Volunteer handyman service.
  • Help with tax preparation.
Quite often home front families are far away from their friends and family or their home church. Here are suggestions military spouses have shared - ways you can show you care:

Bible
Write a personal message (online) to a home front spouse and Operation Worship will inscribe it in a free Bible which will be delivered to the home front spouse.


Care packages and gift cards
"Care packages for us like they would send to our soldiers! My kids love to get the mail and they LOVE care packages from grandma the best!"

"Care packages are great! Also maybe a gift card for special mommy time like pedicure, lunch out, etc."

"I got a package recently from my old job in Florida; it was great gift cards with my favorite restaurants, and gift cards for the kids and a card signed by everyone! I loved it!"

"We live in Japan and my husband is deployed. My mom sends myself and husband care packages on a regular basis...it's so great getting comforts of home from momma..."

"Care packages for the families of the deployed are always a fun idea . . . snacks (chocolate!), time-wasting magazines, small toys for kids, books, restaurant gift cards. Just small things to let them know that they are being thought of."

"Gift cards to favorite restaurants so spouse at home can get a break at dinner time."

"Gift card for groceries"

Other ideas for Care Packages for Spouses - LINK.


Check in by phone or e-mail
"A card of encouragement; write a letter or send an email."

"My church e-mailed me to ask how I'm doing and if they can do anything to help. If they had taken the time to call me I would believe they really do care."

"Pick up the phone! Yes, we are sad and lonely and need companionship but when we call constantly they say we are bothering them or overly grabbing for attention. I mean when you are stuck in the house with kids who barely grasp the language there is nothing like talking to an adult."

"The best thing to lift my spirits is to remember special days and actually call me. Also, it gets heavy at times always talking about him or the deployment...having someone interested in me...in what I have been doing rather than always asking about him really helps me."

"I been apart from hubby for 13 months of the last 18 and have 3 more to go. I have two small kids. I hate to say it, but I feel completely unsupported and not for lack of "reaching out" on my end. I have no family here, attempts at "promising" friendships have fizzled or they have moved, and depression significantly ... See Moreaffects my energy to keep "putting myself out there". I am SO lonely and I dread getting through each day. Just having a regular person call me to check in would mean all the difference in the world. I see a therapist, but I have limited number of sessions and sometimes have to go a long time b/n talks. I've come to hate my anniversary, birthday, mother's day, valentine's day b/c anything I do to celebrate myself is self initiated. Send us flowers, chocolate, cards, books, magazines. Come by and weed eat my yard, mow my grass, take my kids on an outing, plan an event for the 3 of us to just 'show up to and enjoy'. Most importantly though, just call, email, check in and lend an ear."


Coupons
"Collect coupons for families overseas. We can use coupons up to 6 months after they expire at the commissary when stationed overseas." Visit www.couponstotroops.com.


Donate, volunteer
"Support our deployed Soldier with letters and packages."

"People can donate to military supportive organizations such as Operation Homefront. Donate to the unit level FRG's. Educate the next generation so they make better decisions and stay involved in there community."

"Volunteer at the USO."

"When my husband (a chaplain) arrived for his tour in Afghanistan he had heard of the villages in the mountains that were so poor and had minimal warm clothes, let alone shoes to protect them from the cold and the snow. Our church was having a community event for kids, and they also used it as a warm clothing and blanket drive for the Afghan people. We were able to send 2600 lbs. (46 large boxes) to two villages and an orphanage. It was such a unique opportunityto reach out to the poor people there, and also was a encouraging experience for the Soldiers who delivered the clothes."
Benita

Humanitarian organizations for Iraq, Afghanistan - LINK.

Other organizations that support mlitary families - LINK.

Other organizations that support deployed military personnel - LINK.


Don't protest
"Don't protest against the Soldier and their families, especially not at a Soldier's funeral. We are not asking for the war. Our men and women in uniform follow the orders courageously. Be proud of them choosing to risk there everything for your and your children's bright future."


Prayer
"It means a lot that people pray for us. That's one of the best ways you can support us."

"We are stationed far away from our home church. I wish our pastor or our elder would call to see how we are doing. I would love it if they would pray over the phone with me."
Long Distance Caring
Resources