Caring Insights Parents

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Top things not to say to an Army mom whose son is deployed

by Kelly Hutchinson, a proud Army Mom from Kansas

I have written this list in an effort to help my family and friends understand the emotional turmoil that comes with having my precious son half way across the world fighting in a war zone. Even as well-meaning friends and family have time and again said things that made my jaw drop, brought tears of pain or a desire to scream in frustration, I always have known that their intent was to show they care.

If sharing my experiences can help just one other person avoid saying something that is unintentionally hurtful or stressful to another military parent, then I have accomplished my goal.

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10. Where is he? What is he doing? (The safety of our troops comes first. Even if I know where he is and what he is doing, which I probably don't, I cannot share specifics. I will not jeopardize the security of our armed forces. Google OPSEC if you're unsure why I'm so elusive about this!)

9. Any sentence that begins with "I saw/heard on the news today..." Do NOT do this to an Army mom. We are painfully aware of scary newscasts about what is happening where our son is deployed. We also are very aware that the media twists things and edits news to suit what will sell the most. Don't be stupid enough to remind us of this!

8. You must miss him. (Hmmm. Ya think?!)

7. Oh you poor thing..or you poor dear!? (Them's fightin' words to an Army Momma. I'm not a "poor thing". I'm a proud momma whose son is fighting for YOUR freedom. 'Nuff said!)

6. How are you? (Look, I know you care, but my answer may vary from moment to moment, and asking just creates pressure for me to respond. If you're a good friend, you won't need to ask "how" I am or "what's wrong". Just give me a hug or a smile instead!)

5. I"m sorry he's over there. (I'm not. He chose this. He knew what he was facing and he went in with his eyes wide open, because he knows he can make a difference.)

4. We shouldn't be over there. (We are. Deal with it. I have to. I'm as helpless as you to control the powers that be in Washington.)

3. I understand; or I know how you feel. (NO, YOU DON'T. Not unless you have had a child willingly join an all volunteer military in a time of war, knowing he is placing his life on the line for you and for me and for the freedom of strangers in a foreign land who may never understand or appreciate the cost.)

2. I hope he doesn't get hit by an IED or get shot at! (Well, duh!)

1. I thought of you so I'm forwarding this email. (HOLD IT RIGHT THERE. Is it sad, sappy, or otherwise a "downer"? Please skip it. I don't mind an uplifting inspirational note, but I don't need any well-meaning tear-jerker emails, with or without photos. Please. Especially if they are the tired old forwards that I've already seen before. I'd rather have an email FROM YOU and WRITTEN BY YOU. Even if you tell me how your dog barfed on the carpet and Jimmy got suspended from school again! Seriously...it's a nice distraction. Life doesn't revolve around me being an Army mom - I want to hear about you too!)

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Top things you should say to an Army mom whose son is deployed

Contributed by Kelly Hutchinson, a proud Army Mom from Kansas

10. I hung a yellow ribbon. (God Bless you!)

9. I'm flying a flag in my yard. (We all should, THANK YOU!)

8. You must be very proud. (Oh, I am. Ask to see pictures and you will see me smile!)

7. I care and I'm here. (Thank you. These words mean so much and we never tire of hearing them!)

6. Please tell him "Thank You!" (I will. He's modest. He didn't do this for glory, but I know that it is important for him to hear that people back home appreciate what he is doing.)

5. Can I send him a letter, card or note? (Hell, yes. He'd love the support and if you are feeling generous, please tuck in an extra card or note for one of his platoon buddies who doesn't get much mail from home. You'll brighten both of their days. God bless you!)

4. Can he get packages? What does he need? (Absolutely. The guys LOVE to get care packages. What he needs may vary, so ask me. He may need baby wipes, foot powder, granola bars or beef jerky. Next week, he may need some clean Army issue socks. The next week, a magazine or newspapers from home or a deck of cards might mean a lot. It depends. God Bless you for helping our troops!)

3. Can I pass his name on to my prayer circle? (ABSOLUTELY. But please don't just pray for my son, please pray for ALL the sons and daughters, wives, mothers, husbands and fathers serving over there. They ALL need our prayers!)

2. How's your other son? (THANK YOU FOR ASKING! I am incredibly proud of both of my sons. This has been hard on him too. His brother is his best friend. It'd be great if you'd offer him some words of encouragement too!)